my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
