It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize