Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
