Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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