Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
is that a dick in a sweater?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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