I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Randomize
