Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
