broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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