So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
