Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
