I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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