someone threw a dead crab at me
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
