I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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