I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
