Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
