Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
