I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
