the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
