Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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