i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
