dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
