jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
