Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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