Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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