nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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