I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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