I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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