hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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