can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
