Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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