The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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