I am in a vortex of obligation.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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