sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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