I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
