It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
