i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
