I wish my penis had an off switch
too bad you live with your parents still
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She bit a glass in half.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
