I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
