i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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