we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
