A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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