you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
