dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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