I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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