Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
