You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
