I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Did I show you my penis last night?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
