I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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