I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
