FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
