the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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