My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
