There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
