just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
