So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
