That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
