Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
